I was so scared to even thinking about posting this theme, but instead of going back to the gaming world and be a little bit more comfortable and maybe little happy with what I wrote today (yep, I’m writing this on Sunday like few hours before it has to be up on my blog). I was so much deep in thought what I should post this week and I wanted to mean it something so here it is.
I started writing when I was a kid, I remember sitting on a bench at our cottage and writing my first world. I’m smiling right now because when I was like 11 I was actually writing fan fiction. I was dreaming about my first book based on the world of Harry Potter, Narnia and by that time I didn’t even know that I was writing something like Hunger Games type of scenario. Basically in this story there were like 5 kids that went through some portal in the woods (Narnia) went to a magical world (Harry Potter) and then they have to fight against evil teams in “Quidditch” (yeah I drew maps, I remember even now some of the rules of the play and I remember that I drew t every single character their significant wand). So that was the first attempt. I finished like 30 pages but that’s a story for another day, that I hate beginning of every story that I write.
I want to get to the point, that writing is a part of my life since I was little. After this “debacle” I abandoned my writing “talent” and came back to it when I was 17-18. By this time I started to deal with deep depression and anxiety. The writing was my escape. My Narnia, where I can go and be happy, be someone else because I wasn’t happy (I think happy isn’t even a strong word for how I was feeling at that time) with myself. And I wasn’t just writing some type of story, I was writing some type of journal. Not even a journal, just time to time I wanted to get my thoughts in a line and grabbing a paper and a pencil was the only thing that I could think at that time. (A little note, by this time I got to my addiction of pencils, because I knew that when I write something I do a lot of mistakes and even write something that I’m ashemed of or something like that, so instead of crossing it I just erased it and I’m doing that since that day everytime I write something that I’m not 100% sure how it will come out) I had friends to which I could go and talk to them, the problem was that I didn’t want to tell them until I know what is really going with me. But that was the problem. I spent almost 2 years in deep depression, with almost no friends, not knowing what I should be doing with myself.
It took me a lot of time to be able to go to somebody and start rumbling about almost nothing for 10 hours and feel better. But I didn’t have the courage. So I tried something else. Every time I wanted to go somewhere and do something with how I felt at that time I grabbed a piece of paper and wrote some points that I want to say to the person and a few lines that I was scared to say. By the time I was sitting and facing the problem of opening myself to someone I grabbed the paper in the pocket and starting crumbling it between my fingers. I remembered all of the lines that I wrote very well, that I didn’t even have to look at the paper. After saying the line that I had to tell I started to take deep breaths and finally was able to say even the lines that I was afraid. For the first time I tried this I couldn’t even say one, after some time I was able to tell one and then I didn’t even have the need to smash the paper into pieces in my pocket and talking about the problems calmly and ready to do something with it.
I hear you asking where is the writing part. I didn’t mention the most powerful part of this whole process for me, was that after every single one of this meetings I went home grab a paper and yes you can guess it a pencil and start writing everything I could remember about the evening. But not the things I was told to do with my problems. I was writing about how I felt before the meeting and after and how it went. How I was feeling saying it out loud and putting every single thought on a paper. After finishing this I had a paper with so much nonsense because I was jumping from one thing to another, the point was that I have to write everything that I remember but as I remember them. After some time I realized that the most important things are at the beginning and at the end. At the beginning are the things that I heard, what others tell you and what is the problem, and at the end is what you really think and what your brain is telling you about the issue. Because if you really think about that. I’m writing this post for like a half of hour at least and by now I’m even thinking in English, even it’s not my native language, I will not do so many mistakes, because my brain is so tired of thinking too much so it’s simply reflex. And that’s the whole point of writing about your problems. And this doesn’t even apply just to writing. When you start with something you thinking too much about every single detail, that it will take you hours to even start. When you finally found the courage to start after some time, you will notice that the time is flying by and by every other minute you are getting more and more done, by not thinking that much.
Wau this was a long one and I hope you liked it. It’s little inside to my weird brain. I have to go make tea because, by the time I was writing this post, my coffee went cold. I want to close this with one last reminder. I was feeling so hopeless and so lost, but there is always someone to who you can go start saying how you feel and they can help you. It can help you by just saying it out loud. So remember there is always hope for better days and there is a way that you can feel happy even at this time you can even imagine that one day you’ll be happy.